The 2012 Apocalypse Fantasy Draft

             During a slow day of work the conversation started about the impending Apocalypse on December 21, 2012. We were discussing who the best person was to have around in various end of the world scenarios. Due to there being so many different variables and possibilities of how the world will end, no one person could be deemed the most suitable. This is when we got out a pen and paper and had the 2012 Apocalypse Fantasy Draft . The parameters for the draft were that anyone was fair game with the exception of Superman, actors would count as any characters they've played as well as themselves, and we would each get 13 draft picks. The teams were Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction, Dan's Doomsday Dream Team, and KC and the Jawlines. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The 2012 Apocalypse Fantasy Draft.

1. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Will Smith

With the first pick in the 2012 Apocalypse Fantasy Draft, Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction select Will Smith. I challenge anyone to name an actor that has saved humanity more times against a more diverse group of opponents. Aliens (MIB Series, Independence Day), Zombies/Pandemics (I Am Legend), Robots (IRobot). The guy even took down renegade Civil War General Bloodbath MacGrath's giant spider machine in "Wild, Wild, West". The man is a pure bred monster mirker with values that are never compromised. I can think of no better way to kick off the end days than with a "Welcome to Urf"! and a right hook to an alien's dome piece.

         

2. Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Taylor Swift

 Picked for post-Apocalyptic re-population purposes and the sweet serenade of her guitar.  Personally, I find it foolish to be considering re-population in a first round pick. All in all she is the type of girl I could re-populate with, but her lack of fight or feistyness could become a liability. She let Kanye steal her moment and walk all over her. I would prefer someone with a little more backbone on my side when the end comes.

"A world without Taylor Swift is no world for me" - Dan

 

3. KC and the Jawlines - Les Stroud

Survival expert from TV's "Survivorman". Les would be a great asset for rummaging for the last food on Earth. He'll bring his own camera without the hassle of a camera crew, and you're not going to want to miss the chance to have your Armageddon adventures captured on film. Definitely a better choice than rival survival expert actor Bear Grylls.

4. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Bruce Willis

Nearly impossible to kill in all of his movies (Die Hard Series, Pulp Fiction). On the rare occasion he does die it's either sacrificing himself to divert an asteroid from hitting Earth so his daughter can bang Ben Afleck (Armageddon) or he remains the main character as a ghost that still doesn't accept that he's dead (6th Sense). One thing's for certain. This guy is going to fight until his heart stops beating... and then some. - "Yippie Kaye Aye Motherfucker"

5. Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Al Gore

The man "invented the internet". In the likelihood of a global warming based Apocalypse he is a worthwhile and knowledgeable companion. His leadership skills are commendable and no one deserves to lead post-Apocalyptic Earth more the man that can tell everyone, "I told you so". While he is one of the most boring people on the planet, you're going to need a brain like Al Gore around, even if that is an "Inconvenient Truth".

6. KC and the Jawlines - Rachel McAdams

She is drafted for re-population purposes. Some find her pretty and wholesome. She just doesn't really do it for me. Seems absolutely useless as far as defending herself or the planet goes. Her forehead, however, could be a useful place to rebuild on.

7. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Shakira

When Shakira starts shaking she'll stop anything with a pulse dead in its tracks. Those hips could knock out aliens/zombies/robots. This little Latin firecracker has some serious fight in her. If the world needs re-populating, it would only be right to do it with Colombian/Lebanese belly dancers.

8. Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Keanu Reeves

In the event of a robot takeover, no one can handle robots like "The Chosen One", Neo (The Matrix). Capable of stopping runaway buses loaded with explosives, and ready to handle any situation when challenged with a "Pop quiz hot shot..." (Speed). While I'm pretty sure his character has Down Syndrome, he also has a time traveling telephone booth that could come in handy (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure). He may be one of the dumbest people on this list, and his acting chops will be about as useless in the Apocalypse as they are now, but any man with the balls to jump out of a plane with nothing but a pistol is A-Okay in my book (Point Break). If you ever doubted anything about Keanu Reeves, watch this clip and bask in the glory of what is Special Agent Johnny Utah.

9. KC and the Jawlines - Chuck Norris

Great pick up. I'm honestly surprised he was still around for the number 9 pick. He has been incredibly successful in martial arts competitions off screen and is rivaled only by Bruce Lee in terms of actual ass kicking actors. Any further questions regarding why the coolest bearded ginger since Trey Anastasio is such a great choice, please refer to this informative website: chucknorrisfacts.com

10. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Shakira (again)

Give me 1 night minute with two Shakiras and I'm ready for the world to end.

'Nuff said

11. Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Mark Wahlberg

Mark Wahlberg said he would've stopped 9/11. Quite frankly, I believe him. No apologies necessary, Mark. I've seen "Planet of the Apes" and I know what you're capable of in the event of a global primate takeover, and I'm confident in saying that stopping a terrorist 737 takeover would be a chore you could finish before Sunday brunch. Also, lets not disregard his days as the boss of the Funky Bunch. I'm imagining the Earth being destroyed by massive earthquakes and Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch jamming out to "Good Vibrations" to give everyone an optimistic spin on things.

12. KC and the Jawlines - Bruce Wayne

Far and away the most bad ass super hero in the game right now. He's always got the best gadgets of anyone whose name doesn't start with "Inspector". He may be the wealthiest man on this list and the bat cave could make a fantastic doomsday bunker.

13. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Black Jesus Christ

 The son of God is always a great person to have on your squad. His record of miracles is particularly impressive: water into wine, feeding thousands, rising from the mother-effing dead. He is experienced in saving humanity and has people willing to do crazy things in his name the world over. In regards to the shear number of his followers, he may be considered the greatest leader of all time. Why Black Jesus and not White Jesus you ask? When it comes to drafting a team you gotta take every chance you can to maximize athleticism.....so .... ya know...

Try to find a picture of white Jesus this jacked. Can't do it. 

14. Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Tim Tebow

He has had miracle performing abilities second only to Christ himself. Obvious follow up pick to the Lord and Savior. If it's publicity you want, it's publicity you will get with Tim Tebow. This team is sure to receive an incredible amount of unnecessary coverage from the entire staff of ESPN, regardless of his role on the team. His overwhelming pureness renders him useless in terms of re-population and his loyalty to the Lord makes him a serious threat to switch sides towards Black Jesus and The Weapons of Ass Destruction.

15. KC and the Jawlines - Neil Patrick Harris

NPH is drafted for his ability to preserve and maintain "The The Bro Code" (How I Met Your Mother). Social order and most rules will be disregarded in the dog-eat-dog world of post-Apolcalyptic Earth. The "Bro Code" shall remain. His vast medical knowledge accumulated during his days as Doogie Howser MD could also come in handy in fighting off a pandemic.

 

16. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Neil DeGrasse Tyson

If you're the type of person that has a favorite astrophysicist, I'm willing to bet it's Neil DeGrasse Tyson. He is an expert on apocalyptic scenarios and talking head in all the great History Channel doomsday documentaries. Stephen Hawking may be smarter, unfortunately, being paralyzed is a pretty major drawback when assessing doomsday survival skills. The planet could be in complete chaos and NDT will be sitting there giving the play-by-play as the carnage unfolds. 

17. Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Charlie Sheen

Armageddon is not all about surviving and trying to save humanity. It's about having fun! If the world's ending you're going to want to go out partying with the best, and Charlie Sheen is the perfect man for the job. If the end of the world is out of my hands, I can think of no better way to watch Armageddon play out than in a hot tub with Charlie Sheen, a gaggle of high end prostitutes, and a mountain of cocaine #winning

18. KC and the Jawlines - Robert Downey Jr.

Tony Starks/Iron Man is an obvious stud to have on the Apocalypse team. The ability to fly and an endless amount of resources will surely come in handy. Throw in some of that Sherlock Holmes intelligence and take into account that he's somewhat of a poor man's Charlie Sheen in terms of his history of partying with drugs and hookers and you've got yourself a very well rounded teammate.

 

 

19. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Antonio Cromartie

He's a commendable athlete as a cornerback for the New York Jets and holds the record for the longest touchdown in NFL history, but that has little to do with this draft choice. He's making the team as a master of re-population.  His current wife is about to have twins, bringing his total to 12 children....by 8 women.....in 7 states... that we know of.  His sperm swim like Michael Phelps and with the swagger of Ryan Lochte. I'm just giving him some bottles of Cristal and setting him loose so he can Arm-a-get-it-on! Let him have a lifetime of reproducing on post-Apocalyptic Earth and he'll grow a family tree that looks like a weeping willow. Also, anyone that can handle the pressure of 8 baby mamas while playing on a defense that needs to make up for an offense run by Mark Sanchez, can handle the pressures of the Apocalype. 

20. Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Bill Murray

All around class act of a human being. Additionally, he can take down ghosts and giant marshmallow men (Ghostbusters), he can beat NBA talent stealing aliens in basketball (Space Jam), and he is master of gopher extermination (Caddyshack). Also, he handles the zombie Apocalypse in what is probably the most practical way in movie history (Zombieland).

21. KC and the Jawlines - Yoda

Don't be fooled by his size and muppet-like looks. Sure, it doesn't make any sense that half the time he's walking around with a cane and the other half he's jumping through the sky with a light sabre throwing front double cork 10's like he's Shaun White in the pipe. Regardless of his physical abilities, it's tough to beat the credentials accumulated over 900 years as a Jedi Master. He trained all the best Jedi's and his wisdom and ability to control the force is something anyone would want in an Apocalyptic teammate.

"Do or do not. There is no try" - Yoda

22. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Keith Richards

No one, and I mean no one, goes harder than Keith Richards. Take Charlie Sheen in the midst of his infamous bender, and that has been The Rolling Stones guitarist's lifestyle for the past 5 decades. He is a living, breathing, drug vacuum. This creature snorted his deceased father's ashes cut with cocaine for Black Christ's sake! When we're in a doomsday bunker and it's time to go see whether or not the deteriorated atmosphere is filled with poisonous gases, who better to send out than the man who has made a lifestyle out of filling himself with poisonous chemicals. Simply put, Keith Richards is indestructible.

"I picture nuclear war and two things surviving: Keith and cockroaches!" - Bill Hicks

23. Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Bryan Cranston

Breaking Bad's Walter White may be one of the most unlikely bad asses in television/cinematic/literary history. The cancer fighting chemistry teacher turned meth cook has a Houdini-esque ability to get himself out of tight situations. Whether it's constructing an improvised explosive device or the heartlessness it takes to poison a child, one thing is for sure: he will find a way out of any sort of death defying circumstance. It is this type of ruthless cunning that makes him a great man to have on your team and an absolute nightmare to go against. While his loyalty and trustworthiness is about as suspect as Dan's sexual orientation when discussing Tom Brady, the question isn't "do you need him on your squad"? The answer is "no", but I sure as shit don't want to go up against him. Bryan Cranston was also the dad in Malcolm in the Middle, which certainly doesn't hurt either.

24. KC and The Jawlines - Harrison Ford

The man has a history of playing some incredibly heroic characters. Han Solo, Indiana Jones, the only President to kick terrorist ass onboard Air Force One (take that, Wahlberg). Harisson Ford is an absolute champ. Sure, he is usually frantic and often has trouble keeping his cool, but he gets the job done. The biggest reason I think he is such a great pick is his relentless loyalty to those on his side. If Harrison Ford is on your team, he's going to be loyal and fight for you til the end. Just watch what he's willing to go through for his wife and family and his loyalty speaks for itself.

25. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Kevin Bacon

When the world begins to end it's going to be all about who you know. Sure, my team is stacked with every dimension of power you could want, but networking in post-Apocalyptic Earth and getting as many people looking out for the Weapons of Mass Destruction as possible is definitely a massive benefit. The invisible "Hollow Man" star has a network unlike any other, and a network I want on my side. Anyone that has played the game 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon knows exactly what I'm talking about.

26. Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Madden '04 Michael Vick

When it comes to video game characters there are a few that stand out: Mario, James Bond in Golden Eye for Nintendo '64, Sonic the Hedgehog. But when you compare video game characters to the other characters in the game, only one man stands head and shoulders above the competition. That man is the Michael Vick of Madden '04. He is truly a man amongst boys. Assuming that the skills it takes to scramble out of the pocket and deliver a perfectly thrown, off balance, 40 yard zinger translate to the fields of post-Apocalyptic Earth, you've got yourself a hell of a teammate.

27. KC and The Jawlines - Marley the dog, I Am Legend

 Nothing like man's best friend for an Apocalyptic teammate. Factor in he's a German Shepherd with zombie fighting experience at the side of this drafts number one pick, and you got yourself one powerful pooch. His loyalty to Big Willy is rivaled only by Harrison Ford's loyalty to his family.

P.S. I'm willing to bet that all of your pet cats bail on you at the first sign of the end times.

28. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Sir Sean Connery

The quintessential James Bond. All the other James Bond's are mere boy scouts in comparison to the original 007. The one man army can take out 100's of Soviet troops with only a pistol, all while keeping his tuxedo looking perfect. Even as an old man in "The Rock", he manages to break into Alcatraz and disarm a group of ex-marines trying to destroy the bay area with thermite plasma. No matter how old Sean Connery gets he's still a force to be reckoned with and only gets wiser with his age.

"Your 'best'? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen." - The Rock

29. Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Dog The Bounty Hunter

Is there a person walking this Earth that is more of a real life action star than Dog The Bounty Hunter?  I think this beast auditioned for "The Expendables", but wouldn't be allowed on set because he was just too real of a hero compared to his actor costars. I understand that he plays up his character for reality TV, but there is something absolutely genuine about this all American bad ass. If Dog The Bounty Hunter hadn't invented himself, Hollywood or the WWE surely would have by now. The roided out, fake tanned, arms that are as leathery as the sleeveless vest that made the mistake of trying to contain them are enough to send any adversary running in the opposite direction. My hat goes off to  you, Mr. Dog, and I'll keep it off in the hope that one day I can grow a mullet with half as much flow as yours.

30. KC and The Jawlines - Jackie Chan

No Asians yet, huh? Reminds me of every other draft Yao Ming wasn't in. If you polled Americans and asked them who they're favorite Asian was in a pre-Jeremy Lin era, it would hands down be Jackie Chan. To be honest, I didn't even know another Asian by name until I stumbled across my first Kobe Tai video. I think everyone has been impressed at some point in there life by watching Jackie Chan get encircled by a group of bad guys and lay waste to each of them as they charge him one at a time. In the "Rush Hour" series he does what most people would consider impossible: manages to create a franchise with the most annoying human being on the planet, Chris Tucker. It seems like the guy can get along with just about everyone. Do I respect the hell at of Jackie Chan? Let me just put it this way: I've disowned close friends for calling Jackie Chan a sellout.

 31. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Patrick Swayze

Fighter, dancer, surfer, lover, bank robber, soul searcher, bouncer, ghost, well-rounded beyond human comprehension. These are all words that describe the legend that is Patrick Swayze. The most talented individual to ever grace this planet? I'd say so. His role on the team? Whatever needs to be done. If there is a job to do, I'm confident that Patrick Swayze has it in his skill set to complete the task at hand. Now I'm very comfortable with my sexuality as a straight man, but if it's gay for a dude to have a dream "Devil's Threesome" involving Demi Moore, Patrick Swayze, and myself during one of my weekly Friday night pottery sessions, slap my ass and call me Mrs. Swayze. 

"If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love" - Point Beak

32. Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - The Pink Power Ranger

The source of more first boners for the young men of my generation than any other person: Kimberly Hart, aka the Pink Power Ranger. You might've been confused. Not sure what was going on in your pants or why you liked it. But it was good. To be honest, this picture still gives me that same confused arousing feeling today. Think she's just a cute piece of ass? Try saying that when you got a Pterodactyl Dinozord flying at you. 

33. KC and The Jawlines - Mila Kunis

Drafted for re-population purposes. Nothing wrong with that. She's the type of girl Antonio Cromartie might even hang around with long enough to have more than one offspring with.

34. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - DMX

Assuming that whatever survives Armageddon is going to be a ruined ghetto, no team is complete without a Ghetto Ambassador. Someone to go into these hoods and make nice before Keith Richards goes charging into the nearest trap house demanding blow. No one is more accepted in ghettos across the globe than Dark Man X. Crips, Bloods, Latin Kings, you name it.. this gangsta transcends it all. A lot of rappers will rep the streets without having much to back it up. DMX on the other hand has enough mug shots to fill a rural middle school's yearbook to prove how "street" he is.

   

35.  Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Wolverine

Wolverine is a well respected super hero, but I'm here to discuss why. When you break down his actual powers, what's he really got going for him? Claws, metal adamantium skeleton, rapid healing power, animal instincts. His powers really don't take him all that far when compared to the powers of other super heroes. So why is Wolverine such a loved and respected super hero? He's got all the intangibles. A certain je ne sais quoi. He's like the Doug Flutie of super heroes, honing his skills in Canada and all. His memory has been messed with in the same way a quarterback's repeated concussions destroy memory. He doesn't have all that much in the way of god-given talent or powers, but he's got all the toughness and heart a team captain could ask for out of one their teammates.

 

36. KC and The Jawlines - Heath Ledger

If you've seen "A Knight's Tale" you know Heath Ledger has a Wolverine-like toughness, taking lance after lance to the chest and popping back up for the next jousting match. In "The Patriot" he fights at Mel Gibson's side, who I'm sure would've made the draft himself if his mental stability wasn't so much in question. But what does all this "old timey" battle experience really bring to the table? It's the second craziest person behind Mel Gibson and the pure insanity and reckless intelligence of The Joker that makes him a draft pick.

37. Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Kate Beckinsale

There is just something about a hot, bad ass looking girl holding two big handguns pointed at my face that makes me realize: I need this on my doomsday team, and in my life in general. Throw in the tight leather clothes and the fact that she's British, and I may have just found my dream woman. She's more than welcome to use each of those pistols to take out both of my two Shakiras. There's a new queen of my post-Apocalyptic Utopia, and her name is Kate Beckinsale.

38.  Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Tom Brady

I can only assume that this pick is for "pleasures of the flesh". The ongoing joke of "if Tom Brady asked you to, would you _______?" has spun out of control. Dan is now officially gay for Tom Brady. I, however, refuse to write anything on the internet that would lead anyone to believe I feel anything other than pure, unadulterated hatred towards this quarterback. Over the course of his career, what he has done to my beloved Buffalo Bills could be considered nothing short of a holocaust, and I hate him with the same passion that the Jews hate Hitler. Eat shit and die, Tom.

39. KC and The Jawlines - Milla Jovovic

I pick a hot European girl with two big guns and tight leather clothes, and Casey's gotta one up me and pick a hot European girl with two bigger guns and even tighter leather clothes. Same logic with Milla as on Kate. It's just the perfect type of girl to take into battle. Take into consideration she fought in a futuristic society with Bruce Willis in The Fifth Element and the final pick in this draft has some admirable credentials.

Recap:

Dave and The Weapons of Ass Destruction - Will Smith, Bruce Willis, Shakira, Shakira, Black Jesus, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Antonio Cromartie, Keith Richards, Kevin Bacon, Sir Sean Connery, Patrick Swayze, DMX, Kate Beckinsale

Dan's Doomsday Dream Team - Taylor Swift, Al Gore, Keanu Reeves, Mark Wahlberg, Charlie Sheen, Tim Tebow, Bill Murray, Bryan Cranston, Madden '04 Michael Vick, Dog the Bounty Hunter, The Pink Power Ranger, Wolverine, Tom Brady

KC and the Jawlines - Les Stroud, Rachel McAdams, Chuck Norris, Bruce Wayne, Neil Patrick Harris, Robert Downey Jr., Yoda, Harrison Ford, Marley the Dog, Jackie Chan, Mila Kunis, Heath Ledger, Milla Jovovic


The teams are set and planet Earth is a time bomb ticking and tocking towards total destruction. Best of luck to everyone out there and may God have mercy on our souls.